Lost...

I am feeling so hurt, angry and lost.

It started nearly 2 weeks ago.  BFFD has been avoiding me.  She might tell you she's not, but she really is.  She also struggles from depression as I said in my previous post.  Up until the past couple of weeks we've been able to support each other through the hard times and times when the depression is threatening to take over.  For some reason, this time, she's shutting me out.  It hurts like hell.

The only communication from her in nearly 2 weeks has been the occasional text message just asking me to pray for her.  She know that I know that she's struggling, yet she's been very cryptic and unwilling to share with me what spurred on this most recent bout.  She has only assured me that it's not me that she's angry with or having problems with.  No other info.

Knowing how hard it can be, my texts back to her have been supportive and  assuring her of the prayers, and offering a listening ear, help with the kids and hugs.  I've been ignored or rebuffed on all fronts.

I understand the need for space when you are sinking into the depths.  I also understand that it helps to be able to share with someone your thoughts and feelings...it helps to know that you are not alone on this awful and unending journey.  Sharing your burden with another person who doesn't judge and truly understands what it's like can make you feel less alone.

Knowing the BFFD has needed some space, I've given it to her.  However, last night, via text messages, I did share with her how painful this has been for me to be shut out so completely and for so long.  Because, really, nearly 2 weeks is a VERY LONG TIME when you are suffering from depression.  It's practically a lifetime. 

It also hurts that she hasn't expressed the need for some space.  She just shut me out and expected me to figure it out. 

Her reply when I asked why she hasn't shared ANY of her struggles with me...she has trust issues and it's something I know about her.

Yes, I know she has trust issues.  We have had many long and personal conversations about our issues with trust in others.  We've also has so many conversations where we have shared things with each other that we have not shared with anyone else.  Over the course of our friendship I have felt like the issue of trust BETWEEN us was now a moot point.  I didn't realize that we (she) still had trust issues where I was concerned.

In many ways this makes me feel so betrayed and abandoned by her.

I feel like she is saying that she doesn't trust me.  How can you be best friends with someone and share so much and now suddenly not trust?  It felt like a slap in the face.  It felt like I have been relegated to the category of "friendships" that she shares with co-workers and others.  In the past she has always made me feel like our friendship is truly special to her.  She's make it evident in the past that I understand her in a way that no one can because of the depression we share.  She's made it clear in the past that no matter what, I really am her BFF.  Now, I feel as if a bucket of icy cold water has been thrown on the warmth and comfort of our friendship. 

Part of the reason that my marriage has failed is due to a lack of being able to trust and be trusted.  For a lot of different excuses, STBX has felt like he cannot trust me.  This lack of being able to be trusted has really eroded our relationship, to the point where we've decided we have to end it.  I know that there are a lot of other issues that eroded my marriage, but the trust issue was certainly one.  While I understand and KNOW that my friendship with BFFD is not a marriage, for me, it's been a friendship that has been so much deeper and important than my marriage for a long time.  She has become the one person I have felt I could rely upon for anything as my marriage crumbled.

Has our entire friendship been a sham?

Without my BFFD really, truly being my BFF I feel lost...