Depression

I've been on a roller coaster ride for the past few years.  A roller coaster ride with anxiety and depression.  It's something I never had to deal with until after having kids.

It began a few months after I gave birth to the boy child.  I began having panic attacks and having a really hard time stopping myself from having awful and insane thoughts.  I was constantly worrying and on the verge of panic most of the time.  I also felt very discontented and sad.  I knew it wasn't "normal" so I did call my doctor and he saw me right away and gave me some medication to begin immediately to help.  Boy, did it ever!  I felt "normal" again for several months.  I went off the meds so we could try to get pregnant again.  My biological clock was ticking and I didn't want to wait too long since it took us 7 months to get pregnant the first time.

Second time took 2 months.  Much faster than we anticipated.  Pretty normal pregnancy (emotionally speaking). Since I had a history of post-partum depression (and anxiety) the hospital social worker was in contact within the first couple of days I was home.  It only took about 2 weeks for things to start feeling "off" for me.  At the girl's 4 week check up I asked the pediatrician if I should wait the extra 2 weeks until my own 6 week check up or if I should call right away.  I was feeling extremely numb at this point.  It was like everything was covered with a translucent sheet.  Nothing was bright or vibrant and I certainly wasn't enjoying the time with the new baby like I knew I should be.  She was a much more difficult baby than her brother was.  I felt like it took every ounce of my patience to get through the day of taking care of her.  That meant I had none left for when my husband and son got home from work and day care.  I knew I was short and pretty bitchy by the time they got home.  I knew that wasn't fair to them, but I felt unable to cope otherwise.  I wanted so badly to feel a connection with the new baby, but it was tentative at best.  This was devastating to me.  I have always ADORED babies and could form a connection nearly instantly with nearly every baby I came in contact with, yet I wasn't able to feel it with my own.  I was going through the motions and faking it well enough that I appeared normal to the outside world.

The pediatrician encouraged me to call my OB asap, which I did.  They got me started back on the same meds that had worked so well before.  It was about this same time that a friend who had given birth about 2 weeks ahead of me called and encouraged me to attend the newborn parenting group at our local hospital.  The people I met at that group would change my life.

I give a lot of credit to the meds for helping me to begin to FEEL things again.  I give even more credit to the amazing friends I made through that group.  I really didn't want to go, but knowing how I was feeling, I knew I should go.  I knew it would probably do me some good to get out of the house and see some other moms who were having similar day to day struggles with caring for their newborns.  I put on my big-girl pants and sucked up my courage and went.

I remember walking in and seeing someone I worked a youth recreation program with back in my college days during the summer.  DG remembered me instantly and welcomed me into the room.  I was the first "mom" to be there as DG was the facilitator for the group.  Slowly, other moms and their babies began to trickle in.  Before long there was about 10 of us there.  We just visited with each other, gave advice when it was asked for, let the babies lay on blankets next to each other, and it felt so good!  Since I was the mom of TWO kids, I felt like some of the other moms really looked to me for advice since I had "been there, done that" already and was on round two of motherhood.  It was such a confidence and esteem builder.  I felt uplifted and...hopeful.

I kept going back to the parenting group.  Each week there was a "core" group of moms that came and others that rotated in and out.  Between this group of women who were there to solely support each other, the friends I was making in the group, and the meds, I really started to feel human again.  I started to ENJOY my darling daughter and the time I had with her.  I started to WANT to get out of the house and take life by the horns and LIVE it.

It was here that I met my BFFD.  I truly believe that God had a hand in the two of us meeting each other.  By the time she came to the group, she was in the beginning stages of post-partum depression, but she didn't see it yet.  As we visited and got to know each other we realized that we were nearly twins.  We were both second time moms.  Our oldest were boys who were born A DAY APART, so we were actually in the hospital together.  We both lived in Auburn.  We both were teachers. We both were married to teachers.  One of her husband's good friends was my ex from a long time ago.  Too many connections to deny!

Slowly but surely we began to form a friendship.  Before long we were comfortable enough in our friendship to introduce the husbands and kids.  The husbands got a long famously and so did the kids!  They were just barely two years old, but they had a ball together!  They are still BFFs!

Over time, BFFD was able to come to terms with her own PPD and seek help for it.  We helped each other through the hard days.  After some months, the original medication I was taking was no longer as effective as I felt it should be.  I got in contact with my doctor and we tried something new.  What a difference!!!

Depression is different for everyone.  So, what is depression like for me?  This is a question that my husband (now STBX) never asked me.

For me depression is an overwhelming feeling of numbness.  It's a feeling of just trying to get through the day without breaking down.  I equate it to always feeling like I'm in a hole.  Some days the hole is barely a divot in the ground and it is an easy day to get through.  Make no mistake, even on the good days, there is still a sense of "getting through" the day.  Some days, I begin in a real hole with my head just above ground.  It's those days that are the hardest.  It's those days that I really want to just go back to bed and sleep until the hole gets smaller.  The days where I'm knee-deep into the hole are hard as well.  I fight all day long to keep myself from getting buried.  Inevitably by the time I get home from work, get dinner on the table, play with the kids, get dishes cleaned up and get the kids to bed, I'm barely peering over the edge of the hole.  Every single day is an emotional struggle on some level.  Most days I am able to get through it, at least until the kids are in bed.  Then, I either fall asleep or veg out in front of the computer.  I don't have the mental energy to do schoolwork, house cleaning, laundry, or even read a book.

It's a perpetual cycle.  I WANT to read a book and enjoy it.  I WANT to catch up on my favorite tv shows.  I WANT to get the office cleaned up and organized because the mess stresses me out.  However, I do not have the energy to do any of these things.  The few times I do have time to myself...to really do whatever it is I want to do...I usually don't do anything constructive.  Then, I feel like I'm a failure because I've had all this time and the only thing I've done is update my FB status, taken a 4 hour nap and read the celebrity gossip websites.

I want an entire WEEK to myself.  I can spend a few days in bed escaping life and THEN I can do some of the more constructive things I'd like to do.  I won't get that week anytime soon.  I'd miss the kids too much anyway.

I went back to my doctor yesterday to discuss my depression.  We've added a nighttime medication to supplement what I take each morning.  He's also given me a list of counselors so I can start seeing someone to talk to.  I really hope the counseling will be what it takes to get me over the hump.  With the divorce wheels turning, we are going to need to get the house in shape to get it on the market.  We're hoping to have it ready by mid-March.  That will mean I HAVE to start using my evenings to clean out my closet and toss a bunch of stuff and finally get that office cleaned up.

I took the day off today.  I had a doctor appointment for my quarterly Botox injections for my migraines, but I decided I needed the entire day off.  I lay on the couch and literally watched 6 episodes of Dexter back-to-back.  At least I didn't sleep all day...